Take a moment to read our twisted take on Roman history for a better insight into our Latin t-shirts

 

Have you been called a... crazy fuck, juvenile delinquent, crazy bitch? Have you been told... you're nothing but trouble, you have problems with authority, you're high maintenance? Read on. History shows you're in good company.

To many, the Roman Empire begins with Julius Caesar.

In reality, Caesar was the last dictator of the Roman Republic. Born to a patrician family (highest social ranking), during the Social Wars, a period of chaos in Rome, the family was not wealthy by Roman standards (all hat, no cattle). At 16, Caesar’s father died leaving him head of the household. A year later, he was nominated for the title of high priest. Since the holder of that position had to be a patrician and also married to a patrician, he dumped his long term girlfriend from a wealthy equestrian family and married Cornelia, the patrician daughter of Cinna.

The Roman Republic continued to be divided by war. Cinna was killed by his own soldiers in a mutiny and Caesar, as the son-in-law of Cinna, was targeted. He should have stayed with the old girlfriend. Stripped of his inheritance, his wife's dowry and his priesthood, Caesar was forced to go into hiding.

The loss of his priesthood allowed Caesar to pursue a military career. He spent the next decade fighting his way up the military and political food chain, finally returning to Rome in 69 BC, the same year his wife Cornelia died.

To continue his political assent, Caesar needed allies. He found them in Pompey, a general and Crassus a former Consul and allegedly the richest man in Rome. Caesar desperately needed Crassus's money and Pompey's influence, and an informal alliance soon followed: The First Triumvirate (rule by three men). To cement the alliance, Pompey married Julia, Caesar's only daughter. Despite their differences in age and upbringing, this political marriage worked. Yeah, right. Did anyone ask her opinion?

Caesar remained unpopular among his peers despite his successes. The conservatives suspected he wanted to be king. In 55 BC, his partners Pompey and Crassus were elected consuls and honored their agreement with Caesar by prolonging his governorship for another five years. This was the last act of the First Triumvirate.

In 54 BC, Caesar's daughter Julia died in childbirth. Crassus was killed in 53 BC during his campaign in Parthia. Without Crassus or Julia, Pompey drifted towards the Optimates. Still in Gaul, Caesar tried to secure Pompey's support by offering him one of his nieces in marriage, but Pompey refused. Bet the nieces were real broken up. Instead, Pompey married Cornelia Metella, the daughter of Metellus Scipio, one of Caesar's greatest enemies.

In 50 BC, the Senate, led by Pompey, ordered Caesar to return to Rome and disband his army because his term as Proconsul had finished. Fearing prosecution and political exile, in 49 BC Caesar crossed the Rubicon with only one legion and ignited civil war. After defeating his one time ally Pompey, Caesar returned to Rome with Marc Antony and was appointed Dictator. He resigned as dictator and was elected to a second term as consul. He continued to pursue Pompey to Egypt where Pompey was killed by the army of King Ptolemy XIII, Cleopatra’s brother (and husband). Now, King Ptolemy and Cleopatra were fighting for control of Egypt as siblings and spouses will do. Maybe because he was denied the opportunity to personally kick Pompey’s ass, we don’t know, but Caesar sides with Cleopatra and becomes involved in the Alexandrine civil war. Didn't’t he just finish his own civil war? Anyway, he hooks up with Cleo but can’t marry her because she isn’t a Roman citizen and he’s already married, for the third time. Fine by them, they produced Caesar’s only biological son, Ptolemy XV Caesar, known as Caesarion and Cleo moves to Rome.

Caesar continued to finish off his enemies all over Asia and Africa. When he returned to Rome in 45BC, the title of dictator was bestowed again, statues of his likeness were created and he had his image minted onto coins. This was the first time in Roman history that a living Roman appears on a coin. When he disregarded the Senate and appointed his own people as consuls, that didn’t sit well. Although he continued to receive honors, the Senate was becoming leery of his power. The fear of Caesar becoming an autocrat, thus ending the Roman Republic, grew stronger.

On the Ides of March, March 15; of 44 BC, a group of senators called Caesar to the forum for the purpose of reading a petition, asking him to hand power back to the Senate. Like that was going to happen. However, the petition was a fake. Duh. As Caesar began to read the false petition to the Senate, the entire group, including Brutus, began wailing on him. The assassination of Caesar sparked a civil war in which Mark Antony, Octavian (later Augustus Caesar), and others fought the Roman Senate for both revenge and power. Caesar’s death marked the end of the Roman Republic and the beginning of the Roman Empire.

 

Marc Antony was a daring general in the army of Julius Caesar, who rose to become one of Caesar’s closest allies.

His early life is characterized by a lack of parental guidance (and we know where that usually leads). He spent his teen years wilding through Rome with his brothers and friends while gambling, drinking and hooking up. It’s rumored that before he was 20; Antony was already into the loan sharks of the time, to the tune of 250 talents (about several million in today’s dollars). Face it, you suck at gambling. He took off to Greece ahead of the leg breakers and began to study rhetoric. Rhetoric? Smooth talking doesn’t work with these guys. Anyway, he got drafted into the Roman army to fight against Aristobulus in Judea and Ptolemy in Egypt. Yep, the same family where Caesar was doin’ the wife, I mean sister, no, the wife is the sister.

He distinguished himself with bravery and courage and became a general in Caesar’s army. When Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC, Antony jumped into the struggle for control of Rome. He joined forces with Octavian (AKA Augustus Caesar) and formed the Second Triumvirate with General Marcus Lepidus. They divided the Roman Empire 3 ways and Antony was given control of Egypt. There he met and became the lover of Egypt’s Cleopatra. Big mistake, he was already married and don’t get me started on that whore. This scandal and the political climate of the day led to war between Rome and Egypt. With the Roman invasion of Egypt, Antony committed suicide after hearing erroneously that Cleopatra had died. Don’t believe everything you hear.

Next in line for power was Octavian (Augustus Caesar).

As the adopted son of Julius Caesar, Augustus became the first emperor of the Roman Empire when Caesar was murdered on the Ides of March. Although a noble leader and victorious on the battle field, Augustus had his own troubles with his slut daughter Julia the Elder. At 14, Julia was married to her cousin Marcus Marcellus but widowed at 16. At 18 she next married Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa the next heir to the empire and produced 5 children: Gaius (Caesar), Vipsania Julia, Lucius (Caesar), Agrippina (the Elder) and Agrippa Postumus.

And then Agrippa died. Because his grandsons were too young to rule, Augustus took steps to protect the principate by marrying Julia off to Tiberius, his stepson. But first Tiberius had to divorce his wife Vipsania. Yep, Julia married her son-in-law. Not happily married, Julia took many lovers but only hooked up when she was already pregnant to insure that she didn’t pollute the royal cesspool. Daddy wasn’t happy with her tramping around. Augustus brought her hoochie ass before the senate and forced Tiberius to divorce her sending her into exile. Julia’s sons (whom Augustus had adopted) die young forcing Augustus to reinstate Tiberius as heir designate. When Augustus died and Tiberius became emperor in 14BCE, he cut off her money and she died of starvation.

 

Tiberius was the last choice for heir and was a weakling without political skills or influence. In a last effort to control the family lineage, Augustus forced Tiberius to adopt his popular grandson-in-law, Germanicus, who was married to Julia’s daughter Agrippina the Elder. Any children of Germanicus would be descendants of Augustus. As a popular military leader, Germanicus earned the ire of Tiberius. Threatened by his popularity, Tiberius sent Germanicus to Syria where he died suspiciously. His death was surrounded by claims that he was poisoned by Gnaeus, Calpurnius Piso, governor of Syria, under orders of the emperor Tiberius. This was never proven and Piso later committed suicide. Amid rumors of Tiberius’ involvement, he aligned with a lowlife officer Sejanus and appointed him the commander of the Praetorian Guard, which were the Emperor’s bodyguards. Sejanus abused this power and with trumped up charges of treason, many detractors were persecuted and executed.

Sejanus used his growing power to stem a threat by Germanicus’ family. He exiled his widow and killed her 2 oldest sons, leaving only the youngest, Caligula to survive. To escape threats from Rome, Tiberius skulked off to Capri. With Tiberius out of the way, Sejanus’ power grew. When he appeared ready to grab the thrown for himself, Tiberius sided with Caligula, his great-nephew, to eliminate Sejanus.

 

Caligula was now heir to the empire and the third Roman Emperor.

Caligula (Gaius Caesar) reigned from 37 AD-41AD as the only surviving son of Germanicus. He was given the nickname Caligula meaning “little boots”. At first, Caligula was a welcomed ruler. He brought many back to Rome who had been exiled by Tiberius and Sejanus. After 7 months, Caligula became ill and changed. He dressed in silk robes and claimed he was a god. He reinstated the treason trials of Tiberius reign and executed both rivals and allies. He engaged in multiple orgies with men and women, including his sisters. Sick F$*&. His spending forced Rome to the edge of bankruptcy. In 41 AD, after 5 years in power, he, his wife and daughter were murdered by members of the Praetorian Guard.

Next in line was his uncle Claudius.

Claudius was the brother of Germanicus and ruled from 41 AD-54AD. He was considered the family loser. Deformed and clumsy by childhood illness, he was the most unlikely heir to the empire. The murder of Caligula changed that. With a fragile relationship with the Senate, Claudius’ main support came from soldiers and friends. He worked hard for Rome making major changes to the judicial system, protecting slaves and the rights of women. Claudius’ major victory was in conquering Britain a feat even Caesar had failed to accomplish. However, the real threats to Claudius were his wives.

His first wife Messalina was a gold diggin’ tramp with an eye for the servants. Claudius adored her and ignored her affairs until she shtupped a nobleman Gaius Silius. Oy. Claudius feared the affair was a plot to take over Rome. Silius was killed and Messalina left town, but a little too late. While hosting a dinner party, Claudius was notified of Messalina’s death. Always the popular host, he ordered more wine. The next year, he married his niece Agrippina the Minor, the only woman who could make Messalina look like a nun.

Like a good stage mom, Agrippina set out to remove her rivals and make her son Nero emperor. She convinced Claudius to disinherit his own son Britannicus. This cleared the way for Nero. Agrippina hastened the process by killing Claudius with poisoned mushrooms and for extra insurance, she also killed Britannicus.

 

Nero became the 5th Roman Emperor.

Be careful what you wish for. Nero started out well as emperor from 54AD-68AD, but he soon enjoyed wild spending, partying and murder. Stories portray Nero as a crazy despot who seduced married women, young boys and wandered the streets murdering innocent people at random. When Agrippina tried to control his behavior, Nero decided to kill her. Matricide, the killing of one’s own mother, was considered one of the worst crimes. When the Great Fire of Rome broke out, it was reported that Nero sang while the city burned for six days. Rome was disgusted and the Roman Senate revolted against his punk ass. With a bounty on his head, Nero fled the country and committed suicide. Rome was left with no leader and on the edge of civil war. This marked the end of the Julio-Claudian dynasty.

May your future be free from the maniacs, mistakes and misdeeds of the past.